Healing

Life since I got a gun held to my head:

Basically, I’m fine. I didn’t die of a heart attack so in my mind I’m a warrior. Honestly I look back on it and wonder how I didn’t pass out or since have an anxiety attack and accidentally fall off a bridge or something equally as bizarre because who gets robbed at gunpoint? After the incident I found out that actually a lot of people I know have been robbed at gunpoint. Maybe we all live in our safe little bubble and it’s only after something happens to us that we realize the world is different than we thought. I now know a handful of people in my life that have been held up at gunpoint and we have been strung together by this trauma and grief. Flowers grow from poop, right?

In a less dramatic sense, I’m okay. Loud noises scare me. Being in enclosed spaces with only one exit scare me. But I went to the movies and I’ve been able to sit through class without hyperventilating. A racing heart for two hours is bearable, considering. I walked into a 7/11 on a road trip with my boyfriend and almost ran right out. I actually did run out but I paid for my water and jolly ranchers first then took off in a full sprint to the car. (I get car sick and jolly ranchers help or at least I tell myself they help so I’m allowed.)

Yesterday my coworker dropped one of the huge, heavy, steel coffee urns and upon smacking ground it made a horribly loud, unpleasant noise. It took me a second of looking around to see if anyone noticed the shriek I made along with it but good news is I only screamed in my head.

There’s little things that trigger the trauma and fear back but each day it gets a little easier. The day after it happened I was too scared to pump gas alone thinking someone was going to hijack the 6 dollars I had, but now I’m a gas pumpin’ fiend. Last week I was too afraid to get my wallet out in public and put money in the meter but this morning I did it! Now I’m sitting in Naked Lounge drinking my 17 shots and typing away. It’s the little victories. The small steps towards healing.

I think before the incident I was in a bit of a rut. I think God was able to use this as a turning point for me to step out of my comfort zone. Apply for that job, go after that thing, love harder because one morning you might get shot, etc. In reality, I’ve learned so much but above all else I still know that I have a good life and a good God and I’m doing okay.

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