Serious Post Warning

Can I start by being totally honest? I’m struggling.

I have spent hours upon hours these past couple weeks wondering how I’m going to make it next month. When the unexpected happens and the thing you were relying on doesn’t come through and you’re sitting there staring at a negative number on a piece of paper and tears are streaming down your face.

I bury the struggle and I let these shackles tighten and I close off hope. I close off God’s goodness and any room for miracles and I close myself off to love.

Then someone notices my burden and leans in. Why is it so hard for me to admit it?

I’ve struggled my whole life feeling like a burden. Unwanted. I’ve spent years battling and overcoming and finding peace away from this lie. There’s soul holes that can explain this but for now that’s on my secret blog full of secret things. The most reassuring thing I know is that we’ve all experienced hurt and we all have our own demons to overcome. This is mine.

Admitting that I can’t do it alone cracks the door and lets the lie wiggle itself back into my heart. But you know what it also lets in? Love.

Maybe the more we admit we can’t do it alone, the more we realize it isn’t a shameful thing, but a graceful thing. A mercy thing. A normal thing. Needing other people is how we were designed. Needing God especially.

So instead of closing off the grace, I admit. Sometimes accepting other people’s help when you have nothing to offer in return is love in it’s purest form. It’s how you learn to love others more and better. It’s how you learn to cut yourself some slack and let the grace in.

I still don’t know what next month is going to look like but I know that through admitting something so painful to me, I breathed a little deeper today. I made a little more room for the miracles.

 

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