Growing Pains

I’m feeling something hard.

Going through this rollercoaster of the same emotions. This one situation on repeat in my life is making me just near insane. When you think you’ve gotten over that hump, fully forgiven that person, fully grown to overcome that one thing thats snagged on your heart for months, years. You think, next time this happens I’ll be better. I’ll be more level-headed, more mature. But it happens again and you find yourself reacting in that same off-the-handle way. A friend of mine said to me, anger covers pain. She gently asked, which pain is this?

We can’t address the pain until we’re done being angry. Until we’re done saying screw the world. Are you ready?

All day I’ve been raging like a crazy person. My fingers typing away at that iPhone keypad so hard, so quickly i’m surprised there aren’t indents right there on that glass. All I’ve been doing is reacting. Sometimes it takes twelve hours and a lot of coloring in your adult coloring book to realize it’s time to think.

So I pictured angry Caysee laying on the therapist couch like in the movies and I asked the hard questions. What do you believe about yourself when this happens? And of course, it trails all the way back to those childhood beliefs. Those lies that speak into our lives. Doesn’t it always?

Spewing mean words is easier than dropping that iron gate guard and saying, I’m scared you’ll leave me. I’m scare of failure. I’m scared of spiders. Whatever that fear is that holds you back. It’s easier than letting the tears fall, and it’s easier than forgiveness.

So I think of that thing that makes me want to vom in my mouth, I say to it, let me grow. Instead of fighting that one thing for the rest of my life, I want to grow in a way where it doesn’t touch me anymore. I want to recognize it, see it for what it is, see myself for who I am, and walk away.

Growth is hard but we need to do it. We need to face that thing that holds us back, address that lie we believe about ourselves, look it in the face and say this isn’t who I am. We need to speak goodness and love into our lives and give ourselves time to grow. We need to encourage ourselves and say, next time I’ll be better. We need to realize that there is always room to be better, and maybe we’ll struggle until we’re 97 years old until we finally get it. The victories lie in the journey, and maybe there is no end to the hard thing. There’s only overcoming it, and once we have, more overcoming the next hard thing.

So… we can spend our whole lives fighting it and God can spend 97 years giving us the same test in different forms, or we can grow, grow, grow into our full glory. Let’s do the ladder (or whichever is the last one).