The ‘Why’

I’ve been thoughtful the past few weeks. Filled with thought. Filled with a whirlwind of emotions during this whirlwind of a month. I’ve been thinking long and hard about what hurts and what brings joy and how to enjoy the now. What’s truly important and what kinds of things set us up for failure. Set us down the beaten path we didn’t want to return to. I reflected a lot, looked at my life a lot. Probably cried a lot and ate way too many of those cookie sandwiches from Trader Joes. Light pink box, pack of 4? If you didn’t know now you know and you’re welcome.

So I think its important to know why we want certain things and why certain things make us sad and to get to the very bottom of all of our emotions so we can say, ‘oh, that’s why I have no trust in men,’ or, ‘oh, that’s why I think everyone is going to leave,’ and ‘oh, that’s why I think I’m not enough or I’m too much…’ etc. etc. etc. These things, whether we know them or not, speak into our lives through the way we love and how (and if) we let others love us. Whether we accept God’s love as enough, or as true.

It’s important to forgive because you may be feeling hatred towards your dad for driving your mother into oblivion and you might feel hatred towards her for letting him. And again that lie speaks over you that you weren’t enough and now you are parent-less and hopeless and tired because hating is exhausting and working so hard to live up to your own other-worldly standards is impossible and you unintentionally set yourself up to fail so that the lie can again speak, you are not worth enough, good enough, you are too much, and they are going to leave you because of it.
The list goes on, and all you have left is a dream to start a family so you can do everything right that they did wrong. I think it’s important to get to the bottom of things because if you don’t, you might go out of order and find a husband but you can’t accept his love and you think he’s going to leave so you act out and drive him to the door and your children suffer through everything that you did.

It’s important to know the why, and let God invade your life and repair you and make you new and restore your soul holes so you can love, and you can let yourself be loved and know true that you are just enough, you are not too much, you are worthy of relationships and people that stay. And you can live the dream you’ve always wanted with a husband and children and for the right reasons, not because you have something to prove to yourself. Not because you just want love.

So get to the bottom of it and let God work his magic and forgive, forgive, forgive. Him for cheating, and leaving and driving your mother Home, and her for letting him. And her for leaving. And God for allowing all of it to happen.

His ways are higher, and His love is deeper than you can fathom and He always has your best interest at heart. Lean firm and lean true and trust. And go to Trader’s and get dem ice cream sandwiches.

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