I have this idea that promises mean nothing and people just leave. I have this belief that my future family will look like the one I grew up in. Broken. Abandoned. Always leaving one another. This belief speaks into the way I love and how much I let another person love me. It makes me defensive. It makes me push. He said to me, ‘stop saying those hurts will always be there. Let them go. One day you won’t think about them.’
I had honestly never considered that. Letting go of the things that hinder me from fully loving? Fully living? Hmmm… interesting.
Sometimes you can go your whole life believing one thing and living with that pain in your side and all it takes is for someone to ask, what if you just…maybe…let it go?
I hold on to the hurts and say that’s what makes me, me. But what if I’m just me no matter the memories? The scars? What if it’s okay to let those go and step into the life that I’ve always wanted?
My beliefs have shifted since I’ve met Alex. I used to think I’d never find true love. That heart you know was made just for you. Once I realized that belief wasn’t valid anymore I moved on to how many years we would have with each other before we fell apart. I was able to move the catastrophe down the timeline in my head so we could get married and have babies and my bernese mountain dog, Henry. Alex would be a firefighter and I’d work from home creating websites and decorating and all the cute things. And then one day he’d tell me he’s at work but really he’s cheating on me with that woman he met at the grocery store!!! Classy. I had this whole thing planned out in my head that we’d get bored and he’d cheat and there goes our entire family and all our promises and all my time spent making our house so freakin’ cute.
This belief keeps me from acting like Alex’s teammate when life gets messy.
So, tonight at 10:28PM I declare freedom over my present and my future. I no longer accept hinderance from my past. I grant myself permission to move forward into the life that I long for; one full of love, and hope, and trust. One where a family can stay together. One where two people continue to choose each other over and over again as long as they live. One where I can live fearless no matter what the odds of heartbreak and tragedy are because my worth is secure no matter who hurts me. Lets be free, friends. Lets love so fearless we start hugging everyone we see. If you start making out with everyone you see though maybe love a little less than that. We can do it.
Take your life back.